Sunday, December 10, 2006

Who am I?

I've never really asked myself this question before, but as I look back on my life I realize that something has always defined my identity.
As a child, I was my mother's daughter.
As a young student, I was the brainer, the genius, the math geek. I loved the awards, the marks, the recognition, the adoration. I strived to be perfect. Little did I know, these things don't last. People remember you for a month, or a year, but eventually they forget your status in academics.
As I reached my teens, not only did I want to be known as intelligent, I thought if I was also "the dancer", the BEST, people would remember me. Dance became me. I put all my energy into it.
I wanted to be the best I could be, and so I danced my heart out. Ballet class three or four times a week was the routine. I was living it and loving it. I completed all of my exams and became one of two young ballerinas in Canada to pass the Advanced level that year.
And that is what people knew me for. But just like the academic girl, these things pass away. I'm not the ballerina I used to be. I'm not one of the best students in the school anymore... and when you realize that the things you used to define you no longer make you special, you're devastated.
And these things are well and good; they are still huge parts of my life... I still enjoy math. (You kinda have to to study engineering!) I still revel in a free moment to dance. But I realize that you can't let your life be defined by the things that you do.
Who you are is YOU: the person, the soul, the spirit.
I still struggle with wanting to be defined by something. I want recognition. I want to be known for something special that I do that no one else does. But I've discovered that this is the only identity that I have that lasts: that I am a child of God, that I am filled with the Holy Spirit. Who I am is rooted in that; and I don't want to be anything unless it is good and pleasing to the one who loves me unconditionally: my Jesus.

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